Last day of being aged 32. I won't miss it.

Saw Punch Drunk Love finally, liked it muchly, Andy was the one that pointed out the whole blue and orange thing that was going on with the cinematography. Like all the red throughout American Beauty.

Went to the Jacksonville Zoo with my family yesterday, fell in love with the jaguars who played with each other like my own cats. One of them yawned and I saw the prominent incisors had been filed down. Was reminded of course that zoos absolutely suck for the animals, don't they? Saw the hands of a large chimpanzee up close and was freaked to see how human they were, the nails exactly like ours.

I know it's horrible to be glad someone's dead but the loss of Strom Thurmond certainly is something to smile about today. And the Supreme Court overturning the ridiculous sodomy laws of Texas, what a beautiful day for progress.

I got my first successful Land Mail Art Object back from the world, it was a little sack filled with stickers and cosmetics and all participants were instructed to take some out and put some in. How little girly, but I love that stuff. By the time it returned to me it had traveled in this order: Florida to Denver to Fredericksburg VA to Australia to New Jersey to Canada to Singapore to Nebraska to British Columbia to Woodbridge VA to Michigan and back to Florida. I had quite a collection of new items from all over the world when I got it back including a ton of stickers to put on my art portfolio.

My sister Mary and her daughter Maggie have been here for a few days now. Andy has taken them to Sea World today. My parents arrive tomorrow and my 33rd birthday is next Tuesday! I have this thing for the number 3 so I am very excited about this year, I suspect significant things will be happening especially in regards to art.

I scanned another of Christi's photos to post on her growing web site; this is Brigette and me wearing the gorgeous handmade costumes that were given to us by Lisa's mom, who was a professional bellydancer in her younger days. I love the movement in this, and the way we are both looking at the sun. The fact we are wearing our Doc Martens is kind of funny too.

Every morning I read the New York Times e-mail news. It makes me feel quite savvy and adult to say I read the NYT each day. Although I usually just read the headlines and brief synopsis to see what's going on in the world, today I read a feature on an artist who turned a dilapidated cabin into a mosaic and stained glass work of art called Luna Parc.



Someday I would like to do something with mosaics.

Among my top five Internet reads is the blog kept by William Gibson, one of my favorite writers of all time.

We drove so long yesterday to get home, got sidetracked a few times so it took thirteen hours. Images that remind me of our trip:



On the drive up I read "The Girl in Hyacinth Blue" and got caught up in the mysterious beauty ofVermeers and the fate of a painting.



We saw the Dingle perform on Saturday night, along with a lot of really old and new friends that we haven't seen in a while. Still can't wait to see the movie about them.



Could not believe the size of the plants in my mother's garden this year. Listened to everyone in Annapolis talk about the nonstop rain they've been having; they all sound too incredulous to have gotten much depressed by it, which is good.

Last night I took a very luxurious bath with one of the bath ballistics I got at Lush in Holland. It was a purple one called Fairy Jasmine with a lovely scentand all this pretty iridescent glitter that floated on the surface of the water then got stuck all over my body. After the bath I was totally covered in glitter from head to toe, as I walked around the house I was like a fairy shedding pixy dust. Then I broke a jar of strawberry jelly on the kitchen floor and had a hard time distiguishing dangerous glass shards from glitter. Next time I will better time my Fairy Jasmine bath so that I can better enjoy the aftereffects.

I find the term "wigger" to be very offensive. I once wrote a letter to the editor of Vanity Fair complaining about one of the writers using it to describe Quentin Tarantino, reminding them that it's obviously a racist term. They printed it as they have other letters I've written them, which is weird but cool. Twice in the past few days I've encountered "wigger" used by the white media, I guess they think it's cutting edge or something. My sisters and I have always referred to the type of person they mean as "yo-boys". Maybe giving any person a label like that is a bad idea though. My first boyfriend in high school was one of these which made him a rare bird in the 80's; he was that way because he grew up in black neighborhoods not because he emulated Eminem. And unlike the people you think of today, the rich kids who want to be ghetto, he appears to have distanced himself as much as possible from that previous life which is unfortunate because it was the only source of his charm.

Our wedding wasn't exactly traditional, starting with the fact that I walked down the aisle to Jimi Hendix's One Rainy Wish, off the very romantic Axis: Bold As Love album. We made three mix CDs to play that night, blending songs that we chose together. I've been listening to them today.

I know I am a control freak yet I have such a hard time making decisions. Andy and I have these wars of ambivalence: what do you want to do?..no, what do you want to do?..whatever you want to do...no, whatever you want to do. I finally decided to dye my hair red and now I don't know if I want to go to the local salon tomorrow or have an old friend do it for me when we go to Annapolis this weekend. I did order a black eyeliner from Jane Iredale though, with not much wavering back and forth. I think my monthly cycle greatly effects my ability to be confident in my decisions. As does it affect my sleeping patterns, bra size, consumption of chocolate, and general bitch factor.

This weekend we looked at lots with Andy's aunt and she found one she liked after two days of us crawling around overgrown Florida vegetation in some unbelievably steamy weather. She put in a bid yesterday, the hunt was actually kind of fun and in one empty lot we even found a split leaf philodendron trunk cutting that we brought home to root in our garden. It's a huge impressive tropical plant that Andy has wanted for a while and it will put roots down wherever you lay a chopped off bit of it. The house next door must have cut it off theirs and threw it away, as evidenced by the yuccas and aloes and cannas growing amongst the typical thatch of scrub pines and saw palmettos.

We found two canalfront lots that were absolute steals, I probably loved this one as much as I did because the beautiful Zen white waterlilies are in bloom this time of year:

A few facts to warm up the day:

I didn't get the camera. I might still get the camera. Andy thinks I should just buy the camera full price since it's only a bit less on eBay and I'll have a warranty.

I'm looking for a kohl eyeliner that I can wear everyday that won't make my eyelids itch. I've heard black has the least amount of dyes and is therefore my best bet. My favorite eyeshadow is red. I almost studied to be a makeup artist but it wasn't in the cards.

I'm going to the salon tomorrow and getting my hair dyed red. I've missed red hair's fiery glow and attitude. And with black eyeliner, watch out!

I find cliques very irritating. I thought I was done with them when I graduated high school. But it turns out they have found a natural home on the Internet and they are totally inescapable. I like blogs and journals that do not come with a little elite circle to go with them.

This week I am dedicated to losing the three or four extra pounds that I put on in Europe. I was reading about Elizabeth Taylor and how when she was in her heydey her weight would fluctuate and you could see it change in a movie from scene to scene. People like Liz and me are built small-boned so that only a few pounds plus or minus makes a visible difference.

There's a digital camera that I've had my eye on for long while...it's on eBay right this moment, calling my name...so if I buy it, I figure the price equals three sessions of getting my hair done by a professional and I will have to give that up...which means my hair will look like shit, but I'll have an awesome camera.

Our invasion of Iraq seems to have affected other oppressed countries all over the world. The crackdown on dissidents in Cuba, the reimprisonment of the female Democratic messiah in Burma, and now the protests in Iran. It's like they're calling out to us: pay attention, we need your help too! If only America were that knight on the white horse coming to free the suffering people...what a romantic notion but unfortunately these other places have nothing compared to all that oil and the billions of frozen aid dollars just waiting to be paid to American corporations to reshape Iraq. And is it really right for us to go around attacking other countries anyway? It's such a complicated issue and not one where I could ever see an absolute truth. This is my sad musing on life today. If you ever want to get a better understanding of the horrible things that have happened in Burma, see the film Beyond Rangoon with Patricia Arquette.

I went cactus crazy at Home Depot yesterday. I realized that the best plants for the front porch, since it is shielded from the rain and gets the hottest sun of the day, would be cacti. I don't really like the ones that stick you so I mainly stuck with succulents although I think some of them are more sensitive to the hot sun than the prickly kind. I've got them arranged out there to test their new environment now. I want to group most of them in wide shallow planters once they've adjusted. I also got a few houseplants but I don't know if they'll get enough light in here; it's reportedly very good for air health to have plants indoors. The cool thing about Home Depot is if a plant you purchase there dies then you can return it.

Besides visiting Asia, I have four more travel goals for my life:

A) Road trip the Pacific Northwest.

B) Go back to Taos and the surrounding area in the summer (I lived there for a winter).

C) Go to Phoenix.

D) Go to Austin. This one is happening in September actually, we're going to the music festival there. Must see Liz Phair, Spearhead, and the Dandy Warhols. Al Green too.

I can't decide what to do with my hair. It's at that growing out roots stage now and I'm hesitant to go back to the salon and just get it redone. For one thing, I don't want it cut at all. I don't care if it needs it, I'm sure it does, but I want long hair and that's the only way to get it. Color is the other issue. I don't know if I want it the reddish and blonde highlights that I've had lately or if I want to go back to a redhead. I think it is time for me to do my hair at home and therefore save hundreds of dollars a year. Maybe I will start with a nice safe henna. Or better yet, a nice Manic Panic magenta!

Over the weekend we finally visited Erin and Grant in Charleston, South Carolina, which I love as much as I expected I would. It is a cool little city of bridges and small marshy bodies of water, as well as the ocean. The carriage houses of downtown are very unique and have a certain charm that is not at all garish, more utilitarian and serious with their rectangular shape. On Sunday we were treated by friends of Grant's to tickets to the Spoleto grand finale at Middleton Place, which consisted of a wonderful symphony and then dramatic fireworks which seemed to fill up the sky they were so close.

We passed our orange belt test on Saturday. Now after this there will be two degrees of green, two of blue, three of brown, and finally several of black. I can't imagine ever getting that far but there's really nothing stopping me. The theme of orange belt seems to be high blows to the body and head, such as the accidental roundhouse I got in the face from one of the cute twin kids that I was practicing with. I am really fascinated by identical twins like him and his brother, turns out one of them is left handed and the other right--now how do you explain that? Like they are mirror images of each other. I wish I could be guaranteed to have identical twins but they are only in my paternal grandmother's family so it's doubtful.

TRIP JOURNAL--EUROPE 2003--HOLLAND and GERMANY

(This is what I wrote in my little notebook on the trip, totally unedited.)

May 15
Our plane took off on time from Orlando but sat on the runway for a while in Philadelphia. I slept for most of the transatlantic flight, thanks to two Tylenol PM.

May 16
We got to our hotel no problem and took a nap until 3 pm. The beds are very comfy & the shower perfect. The weather in Amsterdam is very nice--chilly and breezy but all you need is a sweater to be comfortable. We had rain yesterday but we were on the canal tour. Besides that we had Indonesian food and strolled the red light district. We did a ton of walking and rode tram #17.

May 17
We did a ton more walking--saw the Van Gogh museum & a famous Dutch band called Blof. We had Italian food for dinner.

May 18/19
We spent these days in Neu-Isenburg near Frankfurt. it was a bit awkward because our hosts, Helmut and Mariana, spoke little to no English. I picked up a lot of German though and we ate too much. We took a long walk w/them thru Neu-Isenburg on the first evening then took the train railway to Frankfurt the next day. We saw some historic buildings and rode an elevator to the top of a skyscraper. The weather has been brisk but nice & sunny in the afternoon. We had to sleep in 2 different beds and take a difficult shower. Now we are on our way to Rothenburg.

May 20/21
Rothenburg was magical. Medevial with a ton of fascinating history, beautiful gardens like Frankfurt. The soil is incredibly rich & dark. We walked the ancient protective wall around the city--my fave tourist activity so far. We had a tour by the "Night Watchman of Rothenburg"--this place is Renaissance Festival come to life. We must have taken three whole rolls of film & now we're almost out. Had some tasty German food & wine tasting. Also bought gifts & had spaghetti ice before we left this morning. Tonight we might do another wine tasting since this is the heart of German wine country.

May 22/23/24
While on the Rhine we stayed in Bacharach which was fabulous. We found a wine we liked at a family winery and brought the bottle w/us on a hike to castle ruins above the town. Part of the castle had remained intact and was a youth hostel with lots of kids of all ages. The Rhine was beautiful with castles all along the way. We explored the ruins of Rheinfels castle & toured Eltz castle. We had a mediocre lunch on the Mosel River but with good wine. The drive thru the Mosel Valley was incredibly scenic & full of vineyards. We have now arrived in Trier and have an excellent hotel room overlooking Porta Nigra. It's gotten quite warm & sunny.

May 25
Trier was not nearly as quaint & interesting as our other German towns. It was more of a basic city with several Roman ruins which made it special. I bought a dress at H & M and Andy got a nice shirt. We ate at McDonald's, the food was hot and the place was crowded with hipsters--totally out of character for U.S. McDonald's. We had some Bitberger beer which is the southwest German beer. I had the best sleep of the trip even though the city sounds went on all night. We got up early and checked out the cathedral and the basillica--the basillica used to be an ornate church but it was bombed out during WWII and all that remains is the original Roman structure built by Constantine in the 1st century AD. We drove back to Amsterdam by way of Belgium. Tomorrow we leave so now it is one more evening spent in my favorite city in the world. It's cold again though.

Today the burn baby burn sentiment turned more towards sell baby sell. I got proactive and contacted a few people, met with the head of the local artists co-operative which might be kind of cool to get involved with. I've never done the co-op thing and there are certainly many to choose from in this area. Seems like a good way to meet likeminded people and compartmentalize my art life in a way that is appealing and manageable. What I really needed to do in order to feel on top of things was to compile a list of art tasks to be completed by the end of this summer:

1) Finish the big tree painting revision. I've been putting this off because I am so sick of oil paints at this point. Time to just do it. It will make a good piece to submit to the Palm Coast exhibit at the co-op since it's inspired by a tree I saw here at night.

2) Utilize that annoying Marilyn painting that I've been wanting to throw away but Andy won't let me--cut it up into pieces and possibly make a collage on canvas 1/3.

3) Fix the spot on the Bedroom Flower painting.

4) Do plein air landscapes on canvas 2/3 and 3/3.

5) Finish (or better yet, start) the secret project.

6) Don't buy any more canvases.

7) Check out the Art Bar in Jacksonville and the White Wolf in Orlando.

8) See the exhibits at theJacksonville Museum of Modern Art.

9) Take slide photographs of my paintings.

10) If landscapes result as desired, then get one of these. Or not. Once I finish all my goals I may just put a graceful stop the whole art thing all together. I will have enough of a body of work to last me for several years by that point. Then I can focus on my remaining life's ambitions, which are actually pretty simple and obtainable at this point:

a) Visit Asia.

b) Have something that I've written be published.

c) Birth and/or adopt a child.

Lately I'm going through this thing where I never want to see any of my paintings ever again. Like I could easily make a bonfire of them in the front yard. I don't even know why I paint. It's not like I've ever put myself out on the line to "make it". I wonder if it's all just a big waste of time and energy. I don't even consistently sign my paintings with anything, like I don't even know who is painting them or if I want to claim them as mine. I finished the Death painting and I like it well enough. But I think it's a message to myself that I'm done painting these weird fantastical women, that subject matter has died for me and in me. I will try painting landscapes, that's what I've been itching for and the need was only made more intense by seeing Van Gogh's beautiful plein airs. So why don't I just do it. And why don't I motivate myself to unload all these others that are only weighing me down. Burn baby burn!

It's raining hard here, finally. It was getting a little sketchy for a while, the plants were looking way too dry if not dead and the fire danger alert was up to very high. It's supposed to rain for the next ten days or so.

We had a great weekend...Saturday we went to Cocoa Beach to celebrate Rich's birthday with him. We were the first ones to arrive and the last ones to leave. I felt like I spent the whole day laughing, and I mostly did. His girl Peggy got him an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen and it was certainly the best ice cream cake I've had in my life, I put away three slices and could have devoured more. Sunday we cleaned the house from top to bottom, it needed it bad. And last night was the final episode of the season for Six Feet Under--I knew Nate and Brenda were going to end up back together in some way and I was right.

I sent this photo to the Reverse Cowgirl because she photographs mannequins a lot. I took it in Stockholm a few years ago, I thought the headless bodies in a row were rather striking.