I have a confession to make: I haven't painted in over two months now. People ask me how is your art going? I say it's not going. But I'm not really that torn up about it. That's the beauty of making things to make things rather than to make money. I don't feel like I have some terrible artists block that I must conquer. The ideas are there and better than ever. But my energy is down and I'm utilizing what I have left for my day job. Also I feel in need of a change in my painting--although I've felt this before and don't think of it as too significant--perhaps mirroring the change that I am undergoing in the rest of my life. For now I've got a nice collection of paintings as well as a good amount of them circulating in the world. If I never paint again I've made my mark, and there is something very freeing in being confident of that.

Tomorrow we go to pick up the paintings from Victoria's gallery. She feels bad I haven't sold there, I feel bad I didn't make her any money. But I know from experience that often art is sold because of a show and not at one, so I do not feel any sense of failure about it. I also met some amazing women at her seminar last week and she gave me the dose of social interaction with interesting people that I needed, when I needed it the most.

Today we got the results of the triple screen and happily were informed that my blood shows no sign of the hormone levels indicating the possibility of the birth defects tested for. So I can enjoy these new little kicks each night without worrying about that anymore. I can't believe that in less than a week we will find out what we are having. After that we are going to Target together to pick out baby registry stuff, which will be so much fun. Andy's mom already got us this awesome stroller/car seat combo:



I am really starting to look pregnant now which is kind of fun.

While reading up on conditions that mimic the symptoms of ADHD, I came across this unexpected possibility. When I was in elementary school I was in the Gifted and Talented program but then by the time I finished high school I was lucky I graduated at all. So much of this rings true to what happened to me as I grew up:

Gifted Children: Gifted children often display ADHD like symptoms because most of the time they are bored with what other kids their age are doing. Behaviors associated with Giftedness are poor attention, boredom, daydreaming, low tolerance for persistence on tasks that seem irrelevant, their judgment often lags behind their development of intellect, their intensity may lead to power struggles with authorities, and they may have a high activity level. They may need less sleep compared to other children, and they may question rules, customs, and traditions. If your child scores above average on IQ tests, aces exams, has no trouble with homework, has no apparent learning disabilities, and primarily exhibits his or her problems mostly at school, maybe seeking a more challenging class or school would help.

I think I felt the baby kick this morning. I woke up at 5 am unable to get back to sleep. I was laying on my side and Hazel crawled under the covers and cuddled into my stomach, purring. There is a theory that purring serves the purpose of increasing health and strengthening bones (of cats anyway) so I encourage her to do so in the vicinity of my belly whenever possible. Anyway, after a while I turned on my back and almost immediately felt some weird movements, light but definitely something new going on in there. The funny thing is that later I looked on my pregnancy calendar and today being the first day of my 19th week, the notation said: "You may begin feel subtle kicks from your baby." So this kid is just right on schedule.

I'm so tired. But tonight I'm committed to going to Victoria's gallery for a girls only discussion group on Mary Magdalene. Even though I'm exhausted it's a good opportunity to hang out with likeminded people--as I am finding there are not that many of them in this part of the country.

A female contractor in Iraq and her husband were fired because she took this photograph and made it available to the Seattle Times, who published it Sunday and today:



She received no payment from the newspaper and felt her photograph portrayed the care that deceased American soldiers receive when returning home. She lost her job because the Pentagon forbids the photography of such subjects out of respect for the families. I guess it also helps the case for the war if we are not exposed to the harsh reality of a photo like this.

I find this amusing.

So when I dream about eating a certain food, I tend to make sure I eat it the next day. Thinking the baby is telling me something. For instance, last night it was a banana split. Who am I to refuse this demand for calcium and potassium. So after work to the ice cream shop we go.

Andy's birthday turned out really nicely. Even though he had the it's-my-birthday-so-I-can-be-jerk-if-I-want-to attitude for parts of the day. Alphabetizing the CDs took HOURS but it is the gift that keeps on giving. We went to Daytona for dinner at Carraba's and I got him a new cell phone at Verizon--a totally sweet flip one that takes pictures and has voice activated dialing. He seems to be loving that present the most.

This Sunday Lia and her kids come to town for a weeklong visit. Lisa and I are stoked, this is our great friend from childhood finally coming to stay for a while. Lisa's birthday is the 30th so there will be a crab feast to celebrate. It will be fun to have the kids here too, they are so cute.

Well of course we saw Kill Bill Vol. 2 yesterday. The night before we got Vol. 1 on video, it was Andy's idea to rewatch it but I'm glad we did it because it got me totally psyched to see the second half. We were divided on which one was better--I liked Vol. 1 but Andy preferred Vol. 2 because it had less gore and more story. Vol. 2 had some amazing scenes but there was something about Vol. 1 that really caught me, maybe it was because I wasn't expecting much.

Now I'm going to watch my rented copy of Mona Lisa Smile. Not like me to pay to see anything involving Julia Roberts but I read some good things about it, in Art News because apparently she plays an art history teacher. I also rented Gothika.

Tomorrow is Andy's 33rd birthday. Until July 1st we will be the same age, then I become the older woman again at 34. We're due to get the results of the bloodtest in the next few days so hopefully we will get good news as a gift for him. For his birthday I made him chocolate chip cookies and I'm also going to organize our massive CD collection which he will appreciate. Most men just don't have the feminine ability to spot the one thing they are looking for among many things so he gets very frustrated when he's trying to find a specific CD. I'll probably take him out to dinner too.

I am just into my eighteenth week of pregnancy and I've finally gained a few pounds. I hope it continues to accumulate slowly!

Was not surprised that Bill won The Apprentice, although I really wanted Kwame to win. But as soon as he picked Omarosa for his team you knew he was done for, poor guy. I am overjoyed the hobbit got voted off American Idol. Fantasia's performance of Summertime the other night was astounding, I wish we had taped it so I could see it again.

iTunes works like a dream on my new computer and I've already downloaded a few songs.

This weekend I'm going to break down and buy a maternity bra. I think I have a while until I have to wear special clothes though. At least these days you can get low rider pants that go under the belly instead of those things with the waistband level with your ribcage.

The following is inspired by the recollections here.

I remember when I heard that Kurt Cobain died, I don't recall anything special about it except that I was watching the MTV coverage and found it odd and offensive that Courtney Love would read his suicide note to the entire world. That her desire for attention stretched that impossibly far when something so horrible had happened.

What I do recall more vividly is when Nevermind suddenly appeared in my life a few years before. It was a time of major change and exploration for me, I was in my very early twenties which I believe is the time of establishing ones identity for better or worse. I was leaving my first real love behind and unknowingly discovering another one who was vastly different, yet both of them were the first people I knew who listened to Nevermind. Then it seemed everyone who was obsessed with music was listening to it too. I remember someone saying they were starting a punk band called Anarchy Tits after the memorable cheerleaders in the Smells Like Teen Spirit video. I remember going over to someones house and their roomate, who had been unexpectedly broken up with by his girlfriend, playing Smells Like Teen Spirit on repeat for an entire night. The same song over and over again, to ease his pain, and I don't think anyone in the house got sick of it. It seemed like the right thing to do.

I had Nevermind on tape, copied from my sister Christi who was always ahead of what was cool herself. My favorite song was Polly, which was as beautiful as it was twisted. I worked at a news stand back then and I was surprised to see that on the cover of Sassy, one of my must read magazines of each month, was not only Kurt Cobain but his girlfriend. Who was this rather gruesome looking Courtney Love and how did she manage to get herself on the cover next to the guy that was famous? It was quite the precursor to what she would become. Although I have to admit I still love Live Through This and think she was great in The People vs. Larry Flynt.

I guess sometime after that was when Nevermind went mainstream, which I suppose was inevitable. Recently Andy's thirteen year old cousin was here and he asked for a copy of In Utero--he had Nevermind already of course. The way he talked about Kurt Cobain reminded me of the ageless rock god icon status that has been achieved, a mythological prince to adorn posters and T-shirts forever, like Jim Morrison or Jimi Hendrix.

Some might say at least he won't be doing Victorias Secret ads in twenty years.

Every night I watch bizarre surrealist films in my head while I sleep. Enhanced dreaming is a common occurrence in pregnancy and no one knows why it happens so much. I never know who or what will pop up in these dreams, some of them have featured people that were long lost in my waking life. Last night one of my dreams had a sun-filled room full of large sculptural chunks of rose quartz, which I researched today and found out according to new age gemstone therapy that the rose quartz symbolizes loving oneself or healing ones heart of deep wounds. I don't really put much stock in the symbolism of dreams but it's interesting anyway.

Not only does Kill Bill Vol. 2 come out this Friday, but Quentin Tarantino is the guest on American Idol tomorrow night! What a good week this will be.

Easter plans: Dinner at the Rices' condo, yum. Honey baked ham, etc. and Judy is making the delicious German cherry cakes for dessert. Andy's dad arrives tomorrow as do his cousin Eric and his friend J.D. from Lauderdale, his aunt is already here. It will be a nice family affair, which I am so into.

I haven't felt any movements from the baby yet but supposedly that happens anytime within the next couple weeks. I am really anxious for this to start happening. When I lay on my stomach I can feel that something is in there but that's the extent of my physical awareness so far. Next week is our monthly appointment, this time it's the blood test for all the birth defects including Downs Syndrome, praying I don't get a false positive and have to do amniocentesis. I'm only 33 so hopefully things will turn out okay. If and when we have the next baby since I'll be over 35 I will the get the CVS test in the early months so that I don't have to go through these same tests.

The fun part will be the May appointment when we get our second ultrasound and find out what we are having!

Andy's aunt is building a house here and since the lot will be cleared soon, we went over there and dug up some nice plants that were growing wild. The former neighbor used to throw his unwanteds onto the lot and many of them flourished. That's where we got our big philodendron and now we've got some ferns, yucca, very pretty rose-colored cannas, and what I call Florida aloe (the leaves are fatter than the aloe you usually see and it grows spikes of orangey red flowers each year). We're putting all of these in the lot next door where the grapefruit is going. This new landscaping project started because Andy had to partially clear it to meet brushfire prevention code and since then we've been adding touches here and there to make it really picturesque.

We got the new Erykah Badu CD, Worldwide Underground, and it's great. Better than her second one, in the same league as her first one. She's so experimental, I love it. You can't put her in a category like you can Alicia Keyes or Norah Jones, she just does whatever she wants. She's an artist, not a pop star.

This article is just what I needed to justify my chocolate consumption during pregnancy. I think I need a big ass box of Godiva truffles, please.

Here's what got the most attention at my show...I call these canvases the Twins, or separately Ruby and Gemini:



What I especially like is that they can be hung in different ways. I always envisioned them side by side but at the gallery they are vertically stacked and that is cool too.

I few days ago I was surprised to see Bob Dylan in a very brief Victorias Secret television commercial. Andy was in the other room at the time and I exclaimed, "Bob Dylan is in a Victorias Secret commercial!" He didn't see it and found it hard to believe unless he saw it for himself. Understandably--it just seemed so surreal, that the anti-establishment icon would be whoring himself out for corporate lingerie. Finally I have this article as proof that it wasn't some kind of pregnancy-induced hallucination. I wonder how many old hippies saw this ad and thought they were having an acid flashback.

Some photos from my art show in Saint Augustine:



This is Victoria who lives and works in Pomegranate Gallery and to whom I am extremely grateful.



Andy calls this "Baby's First Art Show", a bit out of focus but you get the idea.

"Art is skill. That is the first meaning of the word."

-Eric Gill

Now it's those American civilians dying in Iraq, their burnt bodies stomped on by grinning twelve-year-old boys and strung up like trophies. Where will it end? I'm glad that Condoleeza Rice is finally getting the spotlight shone on her and her responsiblity, whether direct or indirect, for 9/11. She's the national security advisor and we certainly haven't been feeling secure lately, have we? And I have such a problem with these Bush women, his wife and Rice namely, who sit back so quietly and never speak out of turn. They are women of power and influence and it makes me sick that they play that role of submissive in the public eye.

While on his trip Andy got to see Dean and Kate and their new baby Ana Lynn, born on March 23rd, and they gave him some pregnancy books to read. One of them I've been meaning to get, The Girlfriend's Guide, and the other two look interesting too. He's almost finished reading them and has been acting a bit strange. Kind of like a husband who has cheated and feels guilty or something. First he cleaned the entire house. Then lately he's been insisting on doing most of the cooking and cleaning up after me. We've had a complete role reversal in just one week. I want to know what is in those books. Well, I'll know soon enough. It's pretty sweet actually. He will be an incredible father, but I always knew that from the day we started dating.

We got a baby century plant, also known as agave, from our neighbor down the street Ted. These huge spiny plants, which sometimes look like gargantuan aloe vera but not so succulent, are one of the most impressive things you will see growing around these parts.



Ours is a variegated one which means the spines are striped with yellow and have a bit of a languid curve to them. We also got some ferns from him and planted all of it on the south side of the house where we have cleared part of the lot we own next door and are landscaping it since our yard is basically done. In return I was very happy to give him one of my tangerine trees that I started from seed.