Teething is such a difficult time for the baby and therefore the mother. Merritt has been all over the map: restless, sleepless, congested, rashy, irritable, feverish and still no new teeth have arrived. The process takes quite a while and isn't resolved until the tooth has emerged a bit. I'm so drained. He whines and cries as I'm getting him ready for bed each night, presumably because he's in pain. I give him baby Tylenol and hope it's helping. If he wakes himself up by bumping into the side of his crib at night, he cries hysterically for an hour. So today I blew $40 on a bedding set just for the crib bumper. I didn't realize how important the silly crib bumper was going to become, assumed it was just to pretty up the crib (in fact some books I read agreed with my incorrect assumption). Just praying the two of us get a respite from teething soon.

Merritt still hasn't taken to eating solid food. Sometimes he will let me give him one bite and then he will gag on it. Then understandably he won't take anymore. Apparently it's not easy for some babies to get used to swallowing solids; they have to overcome the gag reflex that exists to save them from choking. Sometimes if he is going to have a bath anyway I let him play with the food and he puts the spoon in his mouth and sucks the pears or applesauce or avocado off his thumb. Honestly it doesn't bother me that he won't eat food, breastfeeding is so much better in a myriad of ways. The only scary thing is lately when he falls asleep while nursing he tends to bite.

He can scoot himself forward on his belly but doesn't it do it very often. He has a toy, a box with four blocks, and he will place all the blocks into the box though the big opening on top. He responds if I call his name and he conveys understanding of the word "kitty". He has begun to grow tall. He likes to cuddle up with me, especially now that teething has him feeling like shit. He babbles and makes the da-da sound indiscriminately. He picks up tiny objects with his thumb and forefinger. He reaches upward for things. He walks and stands with support.

I always wanted a blue-eyed, dark-haired child and it seemed that Merritt would be half of that with his beautiful sapphire eyes. I assumed his hair was going to be blondish like his fathers since it's light now. But lately Merritt's hair has been looking darker as it thickens and I saw a lock of my baby hair that my mother saved, the exact same color as Merritt's is now. So I guess I always knew what my baby would look like, either that or I wished him into being.

Currently enjoying the photographic art of Anthony Minetola...





It's amazing to me that he uses no digital manipulation whatsoever.

We saw Revenge of the Sith the other night, our first theater experience since having Merritt. My parents are in town and were happy to babysit. The movie was great, the creatures and planets and space battles especially cool, but the story was not as spectacular as I was expecting. One romantic scene between Anakin and Amidala made me want to puke it was so contrived (her standing on the balcony brushing her hair in the fakest way, him gazing at her lovingly--bad, bad, bad). When the Emperor's plan was carried out and the jedis were massacred, I had to hold back the tears. And I sat there thinking that a hundred bands will eventually decide to call themselves Order 66. I also thought that General Grievous was a fantastic character but I'm starting to suspect other fans might not agree with me. Anakin's final mutiliation gave me nightmares that night.

Today I want to take Merritt to the beach with my parents. Hopefully the water will be warm and still enough to take him into the ocean for the first time. Maybe it will heal him of some of this teething irritability he has lately.

While on vacation I checked my email through the web and didn't realize how important it was to delete it all. So the past several days I have had a full mailbox, unable to receive messages, which is annoying. I have never been that bothered by spam but after the overabundance of it made me incommunicado, it is really starting to piss me off. I still think paper junk mail is worse though.

Yesterday 8-month-old Merritt pulled himself up while awkwardly holding onto his toy piano. It was a momentous moment and it was nice that both Andy and I got to witness it together. We suspect Merritt might be getting some more teeth because his sleep has not been great the past two nights.

While we were in Maryland a friend of ours, a musician Andy used to play with, died of complications from his heroin addiction. We hadn't seen him for years so it was a shock; I didn't know him that well but he seemed nice enough. It was sad but I am still always amazed at how many people go that route, personally I would never go anywhere near that drug to begin with. With his death in mind I heard Hotel California on the radio (which I will admit I can listen to over and over, just like Stairway to Heaven) and realized it could easily be about heroin addiction (they stab it with their steely knives but they just can't kill the beast). When I did a search I found out that this song is probably the most analyzed song in history (besides Stairway to Heaven).

It feels like forever since we've been home. Right now it's the last leg of our trip; I'm sitting in a hotel room in North Carolina with Merritt asleep in the adjoining room. Tomorrow is Dave and Adrienne's wedding at her parents' berry farm then Sunday we will drive home.

The baby has proven to be an amazing traveler. I've been successful at keeping him on his schedule and taking him on this trip has really increased the fun for everyone. The highlight was taking him to the Phillips Collection and holding him in front of work by some of the greatest artists that ever lived. Having him in the presence of the art felt somehow holy and he even smiled at a Matisse.

We were able to do everything I wanted to do in Maryland, with the exception of the Dance Dance Revolution contest (next time). It was wonderful to meet the new babies and catch up with the kids of our friends and family, although I didn't get as many pictures as I meant to.

The Modigliani exhibit at the Phillips was incredible. His black palette is such an antithesis to the brightness of the Impressionists. I have always found his nudes quite striking and it was great to see a few of them in person, including this beauty:



Modigliani was an interesting character: a painter who insisted he was a sculptor, an Italian Jew in the Paris art scene, and like many artists he died of fast living at an early age. The next day his young pregnant lover committed suicide out of grief.

I didn't love this season of America's Next Top Model. It has become so annoyingly obvious that the show is in the pocket of Cover Girl cosmetics and Naima was pretty but there wasn't a photo of her that really ever blew my mind. I found Kahlen more interesting even though she was not as exotic as Naima:



Seeing Star Wars Episode 3 is my first priority when we get back to Palm Coast and have a babysitter. We saw the very first showings of 1 and 2 so it's kind of weird to have to wait while everyone else raves how good 3 is. But that's what happens when you have a baby: priorities shift dramatically.

I just saw an ad for Rob and Amber Get Married. Not sure if this is quite as repulsive as Kevin and Britney Chaotic but comes close. Watching Rob and Amber lose The Amazing Race to a much cooler couple more than made up for my current reality show disappointments.

We have been in Maryland for a week now; we left Florida just as it got hot there. It's gorgeous here and Merritt is adapting really well to sleeping in different places and meeting various new people. He's getting very Mommy-centric though, which started to happen before the trip, and grabs for me all the time. It's cute but I hope it doesn't get out of hand.

I made a point to catch the Survivor finale last night. Wow, not a shocker that Tom won. Another case of the contestants (except my girl Stephenie of course) not realizing until it's too late who is obviously going to win. I still find it curious that in the history of Survivor (the American version anyway) no one has ever successfully banded the women against the men. I am beginning to suspect there is something psychological that kicks in when they think of not having a man there in such harsh conditions. It sounds anti-feminist but what else can explain it?

Now I can claim this day for myself as well.



Mother's Day has only just begun and it's beautiful already.

I've posted new pictures of the baby. He has two cute little bottom teeth now. And he has taken a liking to fresh mashed bananas, as long as he can guide the spoon into his mouth himself. He also likes to drink water out of a regular cup if you allow him to hold the cup with you. We are going to hold off on sippy cups until he masters the classic cup. He can balance himself on all fours but he hasn't started crawling yet--no complaints here, the longer he takes to mobilize the less work it is for me to take care of him. I had the playgroup over here this week and it was wonderful chaos: a total of seven babies under one year old and their moms.

Next week we are taking our first big road trip with Merritt. We are going to leave at bedtime and drive through the night to Annapolis, stay with my family for a few days, then on to Frederick to stay with Andy's parents. From there we will come back south to attend a wedding weekend at a berry farm in North Carolina, then home. I'm a little nervous about getting out of my comfort zone with the baby and his schedule but it has to happen. Knowing him, he will adapt very well and my worry will be for nothing. Things I'm looking forward to about the trip besides the wedding: meeting the new babies that were born the same time as ours, introducing our friends to Merritt, checking out the Modigliani exhibit at the Phillips Gallery in DC, visiting my great aunt who I haven't seen in years and Andy's cousin who just had her third baby, having a Dance Dance Revolution competition with my sisters, and eating my mom's home cooked meals, among other activities.

My new life has begun. And just what will I do with it? Paint. Write. Make web pages. Clean. Nurture. Supervise. Shop. Cook. Love. Take fast walks. Explore. Garden. Think. Read. Mow the lawn. Make lists. Watch. Learn. Sleep. Plan. Breathe.

There was an article in the NY Times reporting and discussing the fact that women artists sell for so much less than men. I guess I am supposed to be outraged but for some reason I don't care hardly at all--maybe because it is not at all surprising? Why should art be any different than the rest of the world? I can think of a few male artists that I have known, who would be considered my contemporaries, and their art in my opinion was way overpriced. It was good, don't get me wrong, but knowing what I know about painting it just seemed a bit inflated to me. Furthermore the art market is a racket just like other businesses--if you are paying millions for a painting at auction you are buying more than just pigment on canvas, you are purchasing a name that has recognition. And a scribbling junkie who dies at 27 is a lot more cutting edge than a woman who has juggled family and art and managed to live to a ripe old age. Women often have other responsibilities besides making themselves interesting. Anyway I could go on forever but one thing that was cool about the article was that they mentioned the success of Marlene Dumas' work as an exception to the rule; I had never heard of her until recently when someone told me my work was similar to hers: